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I'm not in the habit of cutting and pasting press releases, but this one is so spectacularly, toe-curlingly full of faeces that it must be read in its entirety. Names have been removed to protect those who should really know better:

HELP IS HERE FOR THE MOBILE ADDICT

• Mobile phone ranks over medication / ipods as a top daily essential
• New memory technique revealed so that you need never forget your mobile again

Whilst we're all familiar with the age old problem of forgetting our keys or wallet, new research out today from XXXX shows that the mobile phone is now firmly established as a 21st century morning must-have tool.

87 per cent of UK residents say that their keys, wallet and mobile phone top the list of items they can't leave home without, and that they rank them above other items such as make-up, medication and ipods.

This latest study confirms the findings of an earlier BBC study* that shows the 1980s stalwart of the FiloFax is nowhere to be seen in the handbag or back pocket of 2009, and the 1950s must-haves of cigarettes and ration books are firmly rooted in the past.

And forgetting our mobile phones is causing a national headache. In fact, a report by XXXX showed that over half of UK mobile phone users could be suffering from 'nomophobia' – the fear of having no mobile phone*.

Experts from the XXXX have teamed up with top memory expert Dr ZZZZ, from the University of Leeds to create a brand new method for people to use so that they need never their mobile again – the STAR technique.

The STAR technique (Store, Train and Retrieve) is designed to help people remember their mobile phone when leaving home and is based on the following mathematical formula*:

STAR = R [S*(5xT)]

S = store; T = train; R = retrieve

Dr ZZZZ explains the science behind the formula: "This formula is a mathematical way of demonstrating how we can combine the three basic long-term memory principles of Store, Train and Retrieve in appropriate proportions.

"Whilst it may look very complicated, in practice the STAR technique is actually a very simple way of remembering your mobile and is easy to implement into your everyday life:

• STORE: The first step in remembering your phone is to make a conscious decision to store it in a regular place. Select somewhere that is memorable, safe and accessible – and repeat it back to your self. If it's a bit dull, spice it up by adding some images – so if you keep your phone on the mantelpiece over the fireplace, think of the two words 'phone' and 'fire' and visualize your phone on fire. This should help the place become more memorable.

• TRAIN: Practise storing your phone in the same place. So once you've put your phone down, keep reminding yourself where you put it – this will help train your brain and store the information in your long-term memory. Repeat silently to yourself whenever you pick up or put down your phone: "Phone on fireplace, phone on fireplace" and visualize the flaming phone (or whatever other image you use) to bring this to life. Do at least five times to make sure it's gone in!

• AND RETRIEVE: Once the phone is in a regular place and you have committed this to your long-term memory, you need use your surroundings and actions to retrieve the memory every time you go out. Memory is made up of associations – so think of something that will jog your memory – like tying a knot in your handkerchief. Perhaps say to yourself 'Keys, wallet and phone' and touch each of the items before you go out the front door, or try making up a rhyme or limerick – such as "Pick up my phone before I leave home".


With a bit of effort, anyone prone to forgetting their mobile phone can use this technique to improve their long-term memory and relieve the anxiety of nomophobia."

A complete guide to the STAR technique can be downloaded from XXXX.

Today's research showed that under-25s were shown to be the most dependent on their mobiles, with 55 per cent saying they feel frustrated when they do not have access to their mobile, compared to only one in three over-45s (33.5 per cent)

One in four (25 per cent) youngsters ranking their mobile phone as their top 'don't leave home without it' item, compared to only five per cent of over-45s.

XXXX said: "The mobile phone is now firmly established as a top handbag or back pocket essential for the modern man or woman. It's not just used for phone calls, but for storing music, pictures, diary appointments and even for telling the time.

"We know that people hate the feeling of leaving their mobile phone at home so we've worked with Dr ZZZZ to come up with a technique that helps people remember it when they walk out the front door."

It's true that you can get almost anything online these days, even jobs. And there's nothing like the Internet for matching people with, shall we say, particular requirements with people who have, shall we say, particular skills.

Even so, I was surprised to see this job offer appear on a UK site. It is reference CS55581/J50030A00059383 (in case the listing goes away but you still fancy applying) for a "UAV Pilot" - someone who sits in a shed and flies a large unmanned plane at a safe distance from the consequences. There's not much call for this outside certain speciality roles - and as what's on offer is particularly suited for those who have experience working "within military infrastructures", who can take a "Flexible approach and proactive management of problems" and are prepared for "Overseas rotational working", it's not going to be cropspraying. Oh, and "Successful applicants will be required to obtain UK MOD security clearance prior to appointment" - that might also be a clue. But there is a share option scheme, a good pension, and 45K.

Some further discreet enquiries reveal that yes, this is a job which involves annoying the hell out of people far to the east of Dagenham - two months on, one month off - on behalf of a certain UK defence contractor where you queue going in and queue coming out. And as the qualifications required don't actually ask for any formal flight certification but do leave the door open for people with experience of flying 'large model aircraft', it's quite possible that you could get the job even if the closest you've come to actual aerial operations in a warzone is watching Top Gun in Peckham while fondling your copy of Aero Modeller World.

What I don't know, and what my discreet enquiry service is being far too discreet to tell me, is whether this job is purely loitering around the skies being part of the Plausible Deniability Caper -- as in when the CIA ran U2 spy flights across Soviet Russia, so the military had nothing to do with it -- or whether it may involve getting tangled up in some of the more esoteric interpretations of the rules of engagement for armed UAVs. Oh, you know. Killing people when you shouldn't, but without actually breaking the rules.

I'm sure that's not what's going on here. And besides, the job's probably recession proof. Fancy it?

We were diverted yesterday by Gizmodo's report (via TechFlash) on ex-Vista-honcho Jim Allchin's solo album, Enigma.

Of course it's all too easy to scoff at the former Microsoftie's AOR noodlings. Actually, as something of an ageing muso myself, my first reaction to the story was more along the lines of 'lucky b*****d', for having the time and money to pursue his dream.

So in a spirit of encouragement, let's offer up some song titles for Jim's 'difficult' second album. As usual, feel free to pitch in...

Still Got The Blues (Screen Of Death)

Please Vista Postman

Please Release Me

The Li-on Sleeps Tonight

The Ugly Bug Ball

Leader Of The (Service) Pack

"An unusual opportunity," says the estate agent. He's not kidding. It's a nuclear bunker that was converted to a data centre and used by security company Symantec.

For a nuclear bunker, the premises, near Twyford in Hampshire, has a short history. It was only completed in 1990 - as a partial conversion of a 1905 water reservoir - and decommissioned in 1997.



We visited it in 2005, when it was a secure data centre for security company Symantec. Now it is up for sale. On Dec 16, it will be sold by property auction company Clive Empson.

“This is not your average property, what with blast-proof fittings, a chute for ejecting people in an emergency, air filters and independent power and water supplies," Rob Marchant, the Whiteley-based auctioneer, told local news source This is Hampshire.

The bunker was actually put up for sale in February, but that fell through.

Now it's back, with £60,000 knocked off the guide price, reducing it from £300,000 to £240,000.

But will the recession produce a lower price? Or will global uncertainy (and the new series of Survivors) make the idea of a blast-proof bolthole more attractive?

The ever-reliable telecoms analyst James Enck has blogged a spoof list of five new "Web 3.0" apps suited to the economic crisis and its effects.

I won't replicate it, as the post deserves to be read in its entirety, but I will throw extra kudos his way for this: "Optimized for Emerging Market 2.0, Hypa-N-Flashun is a Java flake for iPhone which removes the friction from everyday transactions. Let's say you're at a Web 2.0 conference in Zimbabwe..."

AT&T, bless them, have put up a page of hints that might suggest your modem is not working.

My personal favourites are:

- Modem is smoking.
- Modem is smashed into bits and pieces.
- Modem is melted and misshapen.

Here's some viral marketing - ironically enough for an anti-virus company. Norton Fighter is a Japanese superhero, saving the world from viruses in black body-stockings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XLPZSHkFjA

Strangely, this has taken at least a year to reach me, despite its obvious excellence, so I apologise if I'm the last to appreciate it. It ends on a cliff-hanger, but Part 2 is easy to find on YouTube.

It looks very Power Rangers to me, but online afficionados say it's more Masked Rider, and bat around terms like Sentai. Norton Fighter is also available on YouTube, as an Akihabara street play:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phyxnhSth24

Ofcom's report on the potential broadband capability of Britain's copper phone network is a good one. It could help reduce the UK's digital divide and get faster broadband to more people.

The report discusses how to get the most out of the UK's copper. But what was the regulator thinking of when it put it online?

It probes the fundaments of our infrastructure, sure. And it pushes for the benefits of fibre in increasing throughput. But was that really a good enough reason to give it the filename asses.pdf?

Linux blogs elsewhere have uncovered a very nice little bedtime story, contained in the readme file for Gnome's printer manager.

"Once upon a time there was a printer who lived in the woods. He was a lonely printer, because nobody knew how to configure him. He hoped and hoped for someone to play with," begins the story, contained in the gnome-cups-manager , and reported by fsckin w/ linux.

The poor little printer remains unhappy, "jamming paper (for that is what little printers do when they are confused)", until a girl - called gnome-cups-manager - comes to play with him, after which the happy little printer can print to its heart's content.

If I'd known README files were this good, I'd have read more of them.

Today, I wake at 5am in something of a funk. I'd been having a bad and very vivid dream in which aliens disguised as IT marketing executives were trying to take over the world. Their technology was a combination of an MRI scanner and high speed wireless network that set up resonances in the brain and took control.

Trouble was, it didn't work very well. At the big industry launch where the aliens were going to reveal the tech and sell it to us as a great consumer boon, it became clear during the demo that it wasn't actually ready. The press conference quickly degenerated into a battle between the alien marketing directors and journalists – some of whom were taken over by the brain rays and turned on their colleagues, with varying degrees of success. During this rampage, the aliens dropped their disguise: they still looked like Americans in suits, though.

The details of the dream were rather engaging. The launch took place in a modern museum of antiquities, some of which turned out to have been planted thousands of years ago by the aliens in preparation for the take-over, and I can remember in dispiriting detail how the tech was supposed to work. I woke up just as I was being physically equipped with a dongle: I'll spare you the details, but I was very glad to find myself awake and un-modded.

It doesn't take a Freudian to untangle those themes – from the tin-foil hat brigade running scared of Wi-Fi to the tendency of the wireless industry to oversell itself on matters it doesn't really understand, it's all standard stuff. And as for aliens with Powerpoint; that makes rather more sense than Roswell ever did. I'll leave it to you to decide which journalists are really Pod People.

I don't think 7am is too early to call my therapist...